Finding my Truth

Being a negative person and I know I am. I don’t deny it. I see the worst case scenario before anything else. When good things happen to me, I second guess it; look for the ulterior motive and for good reason.

I’ve always been more of a giver than a taker. The problem is that I don’t take enough and when I take I feel guilty and my mind starts to spiral out of control. I can’t get my mind to stop racing and settle on one thought.  It’s like a flood gate that’s been opened in my mind and every word uttered to me that I have taken to heart and made a conscious note of swarms toward me in a rushing rapid I call Truth.

Truth descends on me and it overwhelms me with all the power it possesses. When the initial rush is over and I start to make sense of how I’m feeling and why I am feeling this way I find myself out of my depth as though I’m not capable of understanding and fully relaying to my feelings. This is the stupidest feeling EVER, cause how I can FEEL like I CAN’T relay to my OWN feelings that I am feeling? That’s just stupid, yet I feel that way, lost. Like what I have experienced wasn’t really me, but it was. I was there. I felt it. I don’t like being around negative people, they put on a ledge I don’t like to hang out on. I try and surround myself with people that accept me for me, love me in spite of my faults and genuinely care about me. Everyone has of spots, off days and I want to be strong for my friends when they go through this as I would like them to be there for me.

I actively have to remind myself of this fact. Sometimes I speak without thinking, react on a whim and this is not always the best thing, specially for someone that does lean toward the negative. So the only way to keep out negative thoughts is to keep is occupied with particulars, assessments and execution strategies. Busy with all sorts of things. If your mind is busy, it doesn't dwell on the emotional. 

This is what I’ve done for a long time, kept myself busy with as much as possible and now…  Being sick for over a month and eventually get meds that totally space me out and doesn’t allow my brain to function like it does… it’s not been good for me. The last few days everything is  rearing its head out from all corner and the flood gates are opening and I’m my fight again a total melt down is failing, and FEAR is enveloping me… fear… the one true thing I hate. Fear is weakness dressed up in big boy clothes.

So here we are, a few days before my son’s birthday… weak, scared, overwhelmed and on the verge of falling down. For years I’ve been told “you are strong”,” you can”,” you the strongest person I know”…. What if I am not? What if I am just human with flaws and human emotions? What if I’m not happy with the way I’ve dealt with things? What if I’m not happy with how I have been walked over? What if I have surpressed anger that’s been bubbling at the surface? What if its about that be released onto this world?

You know what a part of me is saying as I type this… “don’t allow yourself to express yourself, it’s weak. You are being a girl, you are stronger. You will lose everything and everyone if you put your foot down”

You know I get schooled day in and out… but I don’t know what I’m learning here… I don’t know how to get through this war I’m fighting inside of me… how to deal with my Truth

It’s days, weeks, a month like this… I miss my brother Dawid.

Cracking – Neen.