Where am I?

In the last week or so I’ve seem to battle to find myself. I know where I’ve been – home, work, bed, couch… but the space my mind is in is what I need to determine.

After Chanique’s 10th Birthday party - which was (by the way) a huge task and I worked really hard to make it fun – I got really sick with Flu. But besides the flu I’m suffering from exhaustion and just pretty much being overwhelmed. I’m not finding myself. As a mother of 3 who is constantly running around and doing inconsequential tasks (apparently) that no-one really sees or appreciates (fact) and therefore I’m not coping. I’m supposed to be a leader, I used to be able to take tasks and thrive under pressure. Now I can’t handle the smallest amounts of stress – why is that?

Something has to give and something has to change. I know I’m the only person that can do this… so what’s the plan?

Well I guess I first need to find where I am and accept that. Then I need to find where the people around me are and have the compassion for them before I try and lead them to where I would like them to be. That’s the one thing many people, I have realized, have a problem. Compassion…

Kindness to other people, especially our family seems to be harder than to friends or acquaintances. This has always boggled my mind. The people we love the most and want to spend the most time with are the people who we can’t be patient with. We expect so much more from them all the time. They need to just get what you are saying… They need to understand you first time… Why wouldn’t they?

I think I have mentioned before that I’m the most patient person on this planet – this is fact – and I never have been the most patient. I don’t like waiting in cues. I would pay more for Groceries at the corner shop cause I don’t want to go find parking at the shopping centre and then walk in a big store, stand in a cue and be in the shop for 15min for 4 or 5 items when I can be at another corner shop and be in and out within 5min… BUT beware there be a cue at that corner shop.

Learning the art of being patient is also not high on my “things to do” list. There are other more important things I want to accomplish and patience isn’t one of them… but it seems it’s a priority I didn’t contemplate thoroughly. So here I am again… a student of life

With the next few weeks – busy busy weeks – I’m reminded of how loved I am. How fantastic the people in my life are. How awesome my family and friends are and how much I love these people. I’m having to learn to accept things… things I have no control over… and live around them – with them – through them? What is life trying to teach us here? See having no control makes me feel useless and helpless… Now that I have typed it, it seems ridiculous – but I really am a bit of a control freak. I don’t allow people to help me cause I want thing done right and people don’t do things right. I need to learn to let go and allow people to help me, assist and do things their way.

So the question remains the same… Where am I?

What has life taught me…
You are where you allow yourself to be.
You are where you want to be.
You are where you put yourself to be.

I have to learn to not put myself in places, situations and allow my emotions to rule me. I have to learn… to be more patient – especially with myself and cut myself some slack… cause I am apparently human

Neen